3 Things That Hard of Hearing People Like

I decided to do "3 Things That Hard of Hearing People Like*" just for the fun of it, a variation of the whole "Things that White People Like" or "Things that Black People Like" or "Things that X People Like" meme.

* Contains language that might not be suitable for some.


3 Things that Hard of Hearing People Like

#1. Lips

Hard of Hearing People (or HoH People) really like lips. Most of the time you will notice that a HoH person isn't looking you in the eye, but right at your lips. In fact, your lips just might be the single most important thing about you to a HoH person, even more important than great tits or pecs. That doesn't mean we don't like tits or pecs too, but your lips usually communicate more vitally important information to us. We like pretty much any size lips: thin lips, medium lips, and fat lips. If you don't take care of your lips, believe me a HoH person will notice, especially if you've smeared your lipstick too far beyond the lines like a hyperactive child with a crayon. We also consciously or unconsciously rate the sexiness of your lips by how you use them, just like Hearing people, only more so. Since we're nearly always watching your lips, we'll notice those pouty or angry lips you're making without realizing that you're doing it. HoH people don't like it if you hide your lips with your hand while you're talking, or when you talk to them while facing a different direction. HoH people dislike that so much that it can decrease your chances of job promotion or getting laid. If a HoH person is attracted to you, then you are pretty safe in assuming that he or she finds something sexy about your lips, even if you have a harelip.

#2. Closed Captions

HoH people really fucking like closed captions. They think it is almost the best thing in the whole universe if they watch television a lot. Advertisers, take note of this: If you don't caption your advertisements you are pissing a whole lot of HoH people off. Don't forget about us, because we might actually want to buy insurance from a company that doesn't feature cavemen or a little green reptile with freaky goddamn lips. Sometimes we get really tired of trying to guess what commercials with no captions are about. Okay, there's this man, see, and he's got this really big insanely happy grin on his face, and so does this woman, only she has more lipstick than John Wayne Gacy, and we think that it might have something to do with penis enhancement, or maybe antidepressants, but without captions we're just not always sure. So caption your commercials. Captions are the best during movies, though, especially movies on pay channels that won't be interrupted with commercials which might or might not have captions. Many HoH weren't always hard of hearing, so those little extra touches in the captions mean a lot to us, such as telling us what song is playing on the soundtrack. It makes a whole lot of difference when we find out that the song playing in the background while a man and a woman are having sex is "Crazy Love" or "What's Love Got To Do With It?" Finally, to those of you who do closed captioning for a living, we just want you to know that we like what you do, even when you mess it up so badly that it makes that translation of Zero Wing seem perfectly normal.

#3. TDD / TTY / Relays

TDDs, TTYs, and Relays make it possible for HoH to type to people over the telephone, whether it's other HoH people, Deaf people, or Hearing people. We like it and we don't want to ever lose it. It is a vitally important service, so we'd really appreciate it if those assholes who use them for fraudulent purposes would cut that shit right out. For those of you who are Hearing and have no idea what TDDs/TTYs do, just think of them as something like instant messaging before computers caught on. And instant messaging is another thing that HoH people really like. A Relay is a service which allows us to call you using a third person acting as an intermediary. Pay attention, because this is important: We really hate it when you tell that third person to tell us something when we call you on the phone; we want you to pretend that you are talking directly to us. What you say is exactly what we read. For example, we like it when you say "Joe, I'm sorry, but you are fired" instead of "Tell him I said that I am sorry but he is fired." It sucks either way, of course, but it sucks just a little bit more when it is perfectly apparent to us that you are too dense to be a boss if you can't comprehend a Relay in the first place.